What it might be like if my ex-boyfriend had been a pirate captain on the seven seas

September 14th 1689

We set sail past noon despite warning of rough tide, an oldball crew of a dozen capable men and the mysterious captain who has barely shown himself, instead making us all wait while he takes a two hour shower. All of us wonder what exactly he is doing in there, but we do hear muffled singing of Sara Bareilles, "Love Song" emitting from the captain's quarters bathroom.

September 15th 1689

The captain finally revels himself. He is kind of gay looking, but in a way that is not gay enough so that you are totally sure he is gay. Still, we are beyond elated, far and away each had heard the voyage had been paid for by gold sacked in numerous successful pirating excursions.

September 16th 1689

Captain asks crew to starboard to talk about nautical measurements. Instead narrates excerpts of his unfinished novel about sado-masochistic bees with heavy metaphorical undertones. Talks about how the dude that wrote, "The House of Sand and Fog" told him he had "major potential". Later retires to captain's quarters to play four hours of video games.

September 17th 1689

Crew slightly irritable. Captain leaves shipmates to do all the work and instead looks out the telescope pretending to be busy. When crew asks for help he tells them to be more self-sufficient like he is. Later that day crew finds out voyage was actually paid for by captain's parents. Also, he makes less than thirty thousand a year. And we will always be paying dutch.

September 18th 1689

Captain drinks three glasses of rum with crew and becomes scared and blacks out. He cries about previous crew that left him for a fifty year old grocer.

September 19th 1689

Captain revels his pirate name, Douchebag. He tells us he comes from a great long line of famous Douchebags and he is very proud of his hertiage. None of the crew are really impressed.

September 20th 1689

Captain prances around with his sword again. Asks if crew is sexually attracted to him. Crew says yes but thinks no.

September 21th 1689

Captain asks crew if they would bear him his children. Crew tells Captain that they've only been at sea for like a couple days and they don't want to talk about it. Captain says that this is important to him because he wants to have a large family. Crew is adamant about changing the subject. Go to bed angry.

September 23, 1689

Crew wakes up to find that captain has looted them and left ship with sole emergency boat.

Leaves note: "Just don't feel like we are soul mates."

September 24, 1689

Captain spotted in the horizon with slightly less attractive crew that majors in fashion design.

Guidelines on Writing a Proper McSweeney's Story

Literary character placed in ironic popular culture setting.

Historical figure placed in an ironic popular culture setting

Popular culture item placed in ironic historical setting

Popular culture figure placed in ironic literary setting.

Literary character, popular culture item and current historical figure ironically placed in historical/popular culture/literary setting

Long ironic story with no punchline.

Peace and Justice League host first annual "Let's just not free Tibet" Vigil

This past Friday, University of New Hampshire's Peace and Justice League sought to spread their unique message to campus through a vigil held at the war memorial in downtown Durham.

According to the group, this year's title was a specific reaction to finals week, ambivalence, and the onset of adult cynicism.

While in the pouring rain,only a handful of students stood in front of the war memorial in Durham, New Hampshire. Holding signs and cheering, their words were the same:

"Lets NOT free Tibet."

Steve Ives a member of the group said, "There's just so much wrong with the world and we're just a small grass roots organization. I just feel like every year we have these peace vigils and Tibet never gets freed or anything. It just makes me feel pathetic. This time around I could care less if Tibet frees itself or not."

The vigil began at noon and lasted for about two hours which members of the group say resulted in a discussion about how overrated Tibet was anyway. Among other things discussed was where they were going to hang that night, the cool reggae band they saw last weekend and if anybody wanted to go for lunch.

Ives says "Tibet never helped me with my finals or my thesis project. Tibet is like that roommate that eats all your food and uses you for your friends and then goes to Cancun for spring break and doesn't even invite you until last minute, just because he couldn't really give a damn."

The students on the sidewalk kept a cheery attitude, greeting the passers-by's with cheers and waves. Although there was a low turnout, all group members agreed the goal of the activist's message was achieved.

"The goal is awareness" says Button, "that even if you believe in something, history and politics are way more important than your youth or idealism."

Amanda Sheehan, a late showing group member sums it up best, "It's pretty much an impossible task to free Tibet and if they ever do free themselves nothing we ever did helped."

An Open Letter to the Morbidly Obese Man that Sat Behind me on the Bus Yesterday Morning

Dear Morbidly Obese man that Sat Behind me on the Bus Yesterday Morning:

Hello, how do you do?

I am sorry that this letter could not be written over better circumstances but I would like to formally complain about an incident that you were involved in yesterday morning.

As you are a morbidly obese fellow, I feel as if you are often discriminated against because of your size. In fact, perhaps as a knee-jerk reaction to this letter, the thought might have crossed your mind that this would be about me getting on my high horse and chastening you for being so large.

Well then, shame on you, morbidly obese man. Maybe we need to start this letter over so that you can better understand my intentions!

Dear Morbidly Obese man,

Dude what is wrong with you?

For realsies WTF.

why did you have to bring McDonalds onto the bus with you yesterday morning?

Number one, it made the whole bus smell like a fudging hamburger, and number two....I don't even need number two. What the hell possesses you to eat at frickin' McDonalds at 8 o'clock in the morning? I didn't even know they SOLD hamburgers that early. Well, I know they do now thanks to you. You walking up the stairs wheezing and chowing down on the hamburger like nobody's business.

And THEN-You started to snore. You made that congested snorting sound- I felt like I was in your nose that's how loud it was. And then you would be quiet for like ten seconds and then gasp loudly as if it was Girl Scout Camp all over again and I was trying to drown you in the lake because you said I was flat-chested.

Anyway, I am not even going to suggest I am any authority on the medical field but I really do think you have sleep apnea. And can't you die from sleep apnea? I'm going to google it.

Okay, I'm back. The answer is yes. You are going to die of sleep apnea. Congratulations.

Anyway-

I hope that in future bus rides you can stop yourself from eating McDonalds and snoring loudly or die from sleep apnea. 

Sincerely

-C