Classest Pizza on Wikipedia

Definition

Classest Pizza refers to the hierarchical stratifications between individual slices or collections of slices in pizza parlors or lunch fare bistros. Usually individuals slices are grouped into pizza classes based on characteristics such as crust stratification, topping hierarchy and how drunk you are when you order the pizza.

Contents

• Introduction
• Class Structures
• Topping Hierarchy
• William Loyd Warner and Crust Stratification
• Theoretical Models
• Drunk versus Sober
• Determinants of Class
• Ethnic Pizza: A Dilemma
• Economic Applications
• Cultural Applications
• Aztec
  
• British
  
• French
  
• Chinese
• Indian
• Japanese
  
• European (not Italian)
• EURM CUFS
• Italian
• Communism and Pizza class
• Religion and Pizza
• The relevance of Pizza class today
• Consequences of Pizza class
• The 1989 "Avoid the Noid" smear campaign
  
• Medieval Catacomb Corpse Crisis [MCCC]
• Famous Quotes about Pizza

Introduction

Most civilizations seem to have some notion of pizza class. The factors that determine pizza class vary wildly in society, with different group having different ideological preferences on what makes a “higher” or “lower” slice in the pizza hierarchy.

Class Structures

Slices aren't often left alone and are usually found grouped with six to eight other slices. Often these slices are contained into one or two classist structures that rarely mix. This does not limit the diversity or variety of slice or pizza classes. However, this sometimes leads to inbreeding.

Classes of Pizza Slices include:

Barbeque

Hawaiian

Chicago

Meat Lovers

Topping Hierarchy

Classest preference in toppings vary from region to region and are highly controversial in commonplace classest pizza debate.

A classic (not classest) example is that while Americans favor sausage and hamburger on their pizza, and Japanese favor seafood and mayo, Europeans continue to favor corpses dug out of medieval catacombs and the blood of first born sons.

It is widely acknowledged that types of meat and cheese have outranked vegetables in classest pizza civilizations. In American societies, pepperoni is the 'higher' class pizza, in China this is crayfish and Europe again with the flesh of the dead and blood of the innocents.

A recent study however, have discovered a variant to this well held phenomenon. According to the results of a 1993 double-blind study, plain cheese pizza is preferred in children under 12. This is especially the case for eight-year-old boys who are accidentally left behind when their families fly to France for Christmas and have to defend their houses from idiotic burglars when they are home alone.

William Lloyd Warner and Pizza Crust Stratification

An early description of the current pizza stratum class model was developed by the sociologist William Lloyd Warner in his 1949 book, Social Crust in America. This introduced for the first time the theory of crust as a determinant in pizza classes. The creation of the Warnerian pizza theory now currently dominants in U.S. sociological pizza classiest theory.

Based on social anthropology, Warner divided American pizzas into three crusts (upper, middle, and lower), then further subdivided each of these into an "upper" and "lower" segment, following the Domino Pizza formula for crust class distinction:

Upper-upper crust. "Classic Crust" Crisp on the outside, soft and light on the inside (See Earl of Shrewsbury, Vanderbilt, Rockefeller).

Lower-upper crust. "Triple Cheese" 2 layers of cheese, topped with mozzarella and a topping

Upper-middle crust. "Deep Pan" Thick and Hearty

Lower-middle crust. "Cheese Burst" Creamy Cheese between crusts

Upper-lower crust. "The Edge" A Thick, crispy crust which is disproportionally close to the edge of the pizza slice. Also known as the "working crust."

Lower-lower crust. "Thin n' Crispy" Wafer thin base. (See: Homeless)

Theoretical Models

Logic, the study of the principles of valid inference and demonstration is often used to solve or further confuse sociologists in regards to classest pizza structure.

Some problems ranked in the order of difficulty are frequently asked when trying to define classest pizza status.

Beginner

If a hunter-gatherer societies does not have enough resources to produce pizza pies, and classest pizza stratifications require enough resources to produce pies, than can a classest pizza society be maintained?

(Answer: No)

Moderate

If classest pizza hierarchical structures are a societal human construction and the societal human construction is destroyed by a large comet, does the classest pizza slice phenomenon even exist and most importantly is there a meaning to life after death?

(Answer: No)

Hard

If in the future European society runs out of their natural resource of medieval catacomb bodies and the first born blood of innocents, and in Europe medieval catacomb bodies and the first born blood of innocents are required in order to make traditional classest pizza can the classest pizza hierarchy be maintained?

(Answer: Complicated)

(See Medieval Catacomb Corpse Crisis [MCCC])

Sober vs. Drunk
The theoretical debate over the definition of class remains an important one today. Sociologist Dennis Wrong defines class in two ways - sober and drunk.

The sober definition relies on clear taste boundaries, aesthetic value, hierarchy of toppings, and crust stratification to which people adhere in order to create classist pizzas.

The drunk definition of class in contrast focuses on the characteristics of pizza at 1 o'clock in the morning when inebriation has caused a case of the munchies. Class is then therefore determined not by the characteristics of hierarchal worth but it terms of slices and how much one can get for a buck fifty in quarters.

Determinants of Class

Pizza which attain a position of power will often adopt distinctive lifestyles to emphasize their prestige. Often the adoption of these stylistic traits include daily deals such as Two for Tuesday, and honorary standings such as Meatza Feast. Oftentimes a 'higher classed' pizza will include an entourage of lesser classed food groups which can include:

• Buffalo wings
• Mozzarella sticks
• Chicken strips
• Onion rings
• French fries
  
• Cinnamon sticks
• Garlic bread
• Jalapeno Poppers
  

Finally, fluid notions such as ethnicity can have widely varying degrees of influence on class standing. Having characteristics of a particular ethnic group may improve one's class status in many pizza slice classes.

Such classes include:

Greek Pizza

Sicilian Pizza

Mexican Pizza

New York Style Pizza

Ethnic Pizza: A Dilemma

Ethnic pizzas considered "racially superior" in one society can often be exactly the opposite in another. Prejudice in pizza classes means that some classes of pizzas are overlooked in some geographical areas and are not offered as many opportunities as other pizza classes.

In some instances there have been cases of pizza class genocide, where one class of pizza is discontinued just because of its "lack of popularity"

Ethnicity is still often the single most overarching issue of pizza class status in some societies (see the articles on apartheid pizza, the Caste system of pizza in Africa, and the Japanese Burakumin pizza for examples). However, a distinction should be made between causation and correlation when it comes to ethnic pizza and class. Some societies have a high correlation between particular classes and ethnic pizzas, but this is not necessarily an indication that ethnicity is a factor in the determination of class.

Economic Application

Economic inequality is one of the most important consequences of pizza class.

There is consistent data that show those slices in higher classes have higher prices than those in lower classes. This inequality still persists when considering crust status. Those in the upper-middle crust and middle-class crust are generally are more respected, enjoy more diversity, and are able to exhibitsome authority. Those in lower crusts tend to feel more alienated and have lower satisfaction overall.In the more social sphere, pizza class has direct consequences on lifestyle. Lifestyle includes tastes, preferences, and a general style of living.

A higher pizza class for example might be served in a banquet hall at a top secret event as part of a elite business lunch with politicians and celebrities in way that kind of reminds you of "Eyes Wide Shut" with dancing naked ladies wearing masks.

In contrast a lower class pizza may be found in the back of the fridge late at night when you are alone, so very alone, and starving but far too lazy and depressed to change your life in any form, never mind get out of the house and get something that doesn't taste like crap.

Pizza class lifestyle also affects how one raises his or her children. For example, a working-crust person is more likely to raise their child to be working crust and middle-crust children are more likely to be raised to be middle-crust. This perpetuates the idea of crust for future generations.

In an extreme this is similar to the pizza class system presented in H.G.Wells The Time Machine.

Or not.

Cultural Application

Aztec

Aztec society was one of the oldest societies recorded to divide themselves by social class. They were also one of the oldest societies to own slaves. The high class was the pipiltin (nobility). The second class was the macehualtin (peasants), the third was the tlacotin or slaves.

Unfortunately the Aztecs were completely decimated by the conquistadors because of their lack of pizza.

British

In the Victorian Era of the United Kingdom classest pizza became a national obsession, with nouveau riche industrialists in the House of Commons trying

to attain the status of classiest classest through attempts to eat the best pizza and talk in an upper crust manner.

It was the Victorian middle crust who tried to distance themselves from the lower crust with terms such as working crust which seemed to imply that their pizza had jobs even though everybody knows pizza are inanimate objects.

Chinese

In Pre-Confucian China, the feudal system divided the population into six pizza classes.

The first four classes were what the king (王) dukes (諸侯), great men (大夫) and scholars (士).were allowed to order from their local "Confucius's House of Pizza" Commoners (庶民) and slaves (奴隸) ate crusts only.

French

France was an absolute madhouse for most of its history, with the king marrying a horse, having orgies left and right, and telling the starving peasantry. "Let them eat pizza."

This I heard became a major cause of the French Revolution.

Indian

Traditionally, the Indian Pizza caste system has been one of the oldest and most important systems of social class with peculiar rigidity (in the sense that it lacks upward or downward mobility and cannot be physical bent, and that if you put it on a table it stands upright.)

In India pizza makers were most often born into his particular trade of slice making, determining how many slices and what type of slice one could consume based on their social caste.

Gandhi was said to have said, "Yes Please!" to New York Style pizza.

Europeans (Excluding Italians)

Love Pizza.

In fact, the entire EU (European Union) depends on a constant supply of pizza of the highest class (European style) in order to function properly. However, the highest class of pizza contains medieval corpses from catacombs and the blood of innocents for its main ingrediants.

Europe is now facing a shortage of corpses which could lead to their society's collapse.

(See Medieval Catacomb Corpse Crisis [MCCC])

The Monster Controversy

In 1994, an organization called EARM CUFS (Europeans are Really Otherworldly Monsters Consuming Us for Sustainous) rose into temporary popularity as they purported that Europeans talk like us and look like us but are in fact another species that eats human flesh to survive. However, by 1995 the group ran into disarray and abandoned as all members mysteriously disappeared.

Italians

Hate pizza.

Although they invented pizza, they regret it everyday. They hate talking about it and they hate making it.

Also, they highly resent other European countries from using their catacombs and crypts for pizza toppings.

Please, if you value your life, do not mention pizza in Italy.

Japanese

Japan is rooted in centuries of honorific conduct and ritual which is why their complete laissez-faire approach to pizza classes is so ironic. Japanese slices will and can have any combination of ingredients but will always have mayo and seafood and can only be found in vending machines.

Japanese people have been known to eat pizza for breakfast even though pizza is not thought of as a traditional breakfast food.

Japanese are expected to eat their pizza with chopsticks under penalty of seppuku, a type of honor suicide which translates as "stomach cutting" in which violators cut their stomachs open with katana swords and empty themselves of their offending pizza bites.

Samurai are the only class that can hold swords in public and so are the only class of people in Japan who can cut pizza slices. Because of this, pizza making is considered an art and largely a samurai occupation. Samurai tribes often have ornate recipes and a long apprenticeship period to guarantee quality.

In present day Japan, Samurai are often seen making pizza and fighting each other.

Communism and Pizza Class

It was in Victorian Britain that Karl Marx became the first person to attack the privileges of the upper crust by removing all classest notions of pizza and treating each slice equally. He demanded that there should be free pizza, and that men and women should not be paid in money but by pizza rationing.

Stalin, however, kind of screwed this up in Russia.

Thanks, Stalin.

Religion and Pizza

Different religious factions have different ideologies about the usages of pizza. Most religions

permit the classing of pizza, but may have limits or dieting restrictions on different classest pizza. Still other religious groups use pizza for ceremony or medicinal purposes.

Some Christian communities such as Catholics believe pizza to be the body of Christ and Pepsi to be his blood. Evangelicals have gone so far as to replace the "Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes" to "Miracle of the Pizza and Pepsi". Other Christian communities believe this ides to be cannibalism similar to the "Damned European Union" (Excluding Italy)

Jehovah's Witnesses often come bearing pizza when stopping door to door to teach the word of Christ. Unsuspecting homeowners, confused by the pizza, will invite the Jehovah's Witnesses into their home. The Jehovah's Witness will then return later at night to feast on the blood of the unsuspecting victim and leave "The Watchtower" magazine in their bathroom. This method has become such a success that many Jehovah's Witnesses also moonlight as pizza delivery drivers.

Anabaptist communities such as the Amish are only allowed to have modest plain pizza as pizza with an ornate amount of frills is said to be "worldly" and "full of sin"

In Eastern Religion, those that practice Buddhism believe in pizza fasting as in order to achieve self-actualization one must not consume pizza for 48 hours.

Those who are Agnostics have not made their minds up about pizza and believe that it is impossible to know whether or not there is significant evidence to support a decision. They are often very indecisive over what they want to order.

Atheists on the other hand do not believe in pizza altogether.

The Relevance of Pizza Class Today

There have been fierce debates in the area of sociology about whether or not pizza class is even relevant at all.

Jerry Seinfeld has been quoted as an pro-classest argumentor asking,

"What IS relevant anyway???"

Despite this, pizza class is still ignored by most political candidates because of its controversial nature.

The majority of arguments suggesting that pizza class is longer relevant are brought forward by supporters of postmodernism. These supporters are otherwise known as futurists or cyberpunks.

The most common held belief still remains however,
that areas of pizza still rely on class based explanations of slice identity.

An example of this is if one identifies a Hawaiian style pizza slice as 'the one with the pineapple' one might receive pizza with pineapple but without any of the complexities of the Hawaiian pizza one had wanted to order, with such toppings as slices of ham or pepper.

Consequences of Pizza Class

The 1989 "Avoid the Noid" Smear campaign

In the late 1980's, Domino Pizza created a villainous smear campaign titled "Avoid the Noid" to detract negative attention away from their lower classed pizza.

Mr. Noid, a claymation red suited character living in suburban New Jersey was depicted in television smear ads as attempting to ruin Domino's pizza. In the commercials Noid was shown laughing menacingly before attacking Domino Pizza's with objects such as a jackhammer and a special gun that makes a pizza ice cold. At the end of each spot he is embarrassingly thwarted because of Domino's superior pizza box technology. To further ad insult to injury, a computer game was released in 1989 called Avoid the Noid which players were asked to avoid swarms of Mr. Noids, some of which are armed with heat-seeking pizza missiles and water balloons.

In 1989, after Mr. Noid lost his job as a bank teller because of the negative press against him, he took a .357 magnum revolver and held two employees of a Domino's restaurant hostage. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000 in cash, a getaway car and a copy of The Widow's Son, a 1985 novel about secret societies in an 18th century Parisian prison, Noid surrendered to the police. Noid was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion and possession of a firearm during a crime. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity.

Domino's Pizza has yet to apologize.

Medieval Catacomb Corpse Crisis [MCCC]

The Pizza Catacombs of San Gennaro were a network of underground burial galleries built beneath Naples, Italy in the second century. Large deposits of skeletal remains exist within these underground foundations which consist of a maze of passages and tomb chambers.

The Pizza Catacombs of San Gennaro are said to be the origin of European Pizza. The use of skeletal remains on the many flavored flatbreads of the ancient and medieval Mediterranean dish is not fully understood.

Various other catacombs have been discovered in such places as: Rome, Italy, Paris, France and Alexander, Egypt but have gone into decline because of Peak Catacomb.

Peak Catacomb relates to the point in time at which the maximum rate of catacomb extraction for classest pizza is reached in which the rate of pizza production goes into terminal decline.

Logic problems have been used by sociologists but the situation remains hotly debated. Theorists have claimed that in the year 2012, the classest pizza system currently in place will result in a major catacomb shortage.

Frank Pepe, sociologist professor at the University of Ohio coined the phrase Medieval Catacomb Corpse Crisis or [MCCC] in his book “Solyant Pizza is People”.

In his theorem, the shortage of catacomb corpses will result in the breakdown of the current classest pizza and will lead to chaos.

However, in the same argument, he maintains that following chaos, the breakdown of the hierarchical classest pizza system and the storming of the Bastille, a new form of classest pizza can be established. This however is wildly debated as a communist pizza system would result in everyone eating the same amount of pizza before starving to death during the Russian winter or Socialist pizza where everyone gets free health insurance and taxed a lot without receiving much pizza at all.

Famous Quotes About Pizza Classes

Aristotle: If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in pizza, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in slices to the utmost.

Shirley Chisholm: The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of slices begins when a cook says: It's a slice.

Voltaire: All the slices of a pizza cannot be equally delicious but they may be equally free.

Thomas Jefferson: Equal slices for all, special toppings for none.

Confucius: Those who know pizza are not equal to those who love it.

Oscar Wilde: Pizza slices means simply the cutting of the pizza by the people

Albert Einstein: Before God slices are equally tasty and equally delicious.

William Faulkner: To live anywhere in the world today and be against slices because of crust or toppings is like living in Alaska and being against snow.

"I notice she's big on the phrase 'pizza,pizza'."

"Is 'pizza, pizza' bad?"

"No, pizza, pizza's good. She's very succinct."

"She is succinct. It's like you're dating USA Today."

-Jerry and George, talking about slices in "The Pizza, Pizza"

Gangster ‘Johnny’: Hey, I tell ya what I'm gonna give *you*, Snakes. [pulls out machine gun] I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your lying, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead!

1... 2... 10

Keep the change ya filthy animal!

Sir, I really must insist you do not a punch a hole in your University ID card.

Hello,

I work for ID services and I must tell you something urgently important.

Please walk up to the desk and lean in with interest, for if you do not you might miss what I am about to tell you. There, are you leaned in far enough? Would you like to lean in further? Is it possible to lean in further? Because if you can lean further over the desk that separates us than you can better hear the news I am about to tell you.

Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

I really must insist that you do not punch a hole in your University ID card. I know you desperately want to punch a hole in that card but I’m here to tell you that you cannot. What are you doing just now? Are you attempting to punch a hole in that card? What did I just finish telling you? Here, if you don’t believe me, have some literature on the subject. No need to turn to the back of it to see if there is writing on the other side. The other side is blank. Blank. Did you know sir that I used to have dreams? Hopes and dreams? Why do you insist in punching a hole in that card? Here take a free lanyard. Yes, it’s free. You can’t get the card to fit in the grabber? Just shove it in there.

Alas, I must also tell you that you must not use the ID as a car scrapper. It clearly says on the literature I gave you that you cannot do that. Why? It might ruin the integrity of the ID card. Yes, ID card’s do have integrity. Once upon a time, I used to have integrity. But then I lost it. In the abyss. Do you know how deep and dark abysses are? Yes, they’re pretty fudging deep sir.

Nevermind that, I am obligated to tell you that you cannot leave the card idle on the television set for long periods of time. Why is that? Because it might demagnetize the ID. You do not want to demagnetize the ID sir, or the card will become inactive.

Sir, I must remind you that the ID card you are holding is delicate, so please do not attempt to bend or flex it. If you bend or flex the card you might break the card like my heart.  My broken, broken heart.

Yes sir, I am aware that there are a lot of rules on how to handle that card. I know you might find them silly and have the urge to snicker, but I implore you to keep it in. Sir, I’m here to tell you that card is very special, sir. That card can be both used to swipe and wave in front of access buildings just like the Charlie cards on the MBTA.

SIR! What did you just do? Did you just punch a hole in that card? DID YOU? What did I just say? HUH? Are you deaf? Jesus Christ. I can’t deal with it anymore. That’s it! AGHHHHHHH!!!! I’m going to murder you! Come back here! Just wait until I get my hands on you!

No, no, no. Don’t run away.

I’ll calm down. Shhhhhh. Okay. Alright. I feel better now.

Yes, you can have it replaced.

Ninth floor.

What it might be like if my ex-boyfriend had been a pirate captain on the seven seas

September 14th 1689

We set sail past noon despite warning of rough tide, an oldball crew of a dozen capable men and the mysterious captain who has barely shown himself, instead making us all wait while he takes a two hour shower. All of us wonder what exactly he is doing in there, but we do hear muffled singing of Sara Bareilles, "Love Song" emitting from the captain's quarters bathroom.

September 15th 1689

The captain finally revels himself. He is kind of gay looking, but in a way that is not gay enough so that you are totally sure he is gay. Still, we are beyond elated, far and away each had heard the voyage had been paid for by gold sacked in numerous successful pirating excursions.

September 16th 1689

Captain asks crew to starboard to talk about nautical measurements. Instead narrates excerpts of his unfinished novel about sado-masochistic bees with heavy metaphorical undertones. Talks about how the dude that wrote, "The House of Sand and Fog" told him he had "major potential". Later retires to captain's quarters to play four hours of video games.

September 17th 1689

Crew slightly irritable. Captain leaves shipmates to do all the work and instead looks out the telescope pretending to be busy. When crew asks for help he tells them to be more self-sufficient like he is. Later that day crew finds out voyage was actually paid for by captain's parents. Also, he makes less than thirty thousand a year. And we will always be paying dutch.

September 18th 1689

Captain drinks three glasses of rum with crew and becomes scared and blacks out. He cries about previous crew that left him for a fifty year old grocer.

September 19th 1689

Captain revels his pirate name, Douchebag. He tells us he comes from a great long line of famous Douchebags and he is very proud of his hertiage. None of the crew are really impressed.

September 20th 1689

Captain prances around with his sword again. Asks if crew is sexually attracted to him. Crew says yes but thinks no.

September 21th 1689

Captain asks crew if they would bear him his children. Crew tells Captain that they've only been at sea for like a couple days and they don't want to talk about it. Captain says that this is important to him because he wants to have a large family. Crew is adamant about changing the subject. Go to bed angry.

September 23, 1689

Crew wakes up to find that captain has looted them and left ship with sole emergency boat.

Leaves note: "Just don't feel like we are soul mates."

September 24, 1689

Captain spotted in the horizon with slightly less attractive crew that majors in fashion design.

Guidelines on Writing a Proper McSweeney's Story

Literary character placed in ironic popular culture setting.

Historical figure placed in an ironic popular culture setting

Popular culture item placed in ironic historical setting

Popular culture figure placed in ironic literary setting.

Literary character, popular culture item and current historical figure ironically placed in historical/popular culture/literary setting

Long ironic story with no punchline.

Peace and Justice League host first annual "Let's just not free Tibet" Vigil

This past Friday, University of New Hampshire's Peace and Justice League sought to spread their unique message to campus through a vigil held at the war memorial in downtown Durham.

According to the group, this year's title was a specific reaction to finals week, ambivalence, and the onset of adult cynicism.

While in the pouring rain,only a handful of students stood in front of the war memorial in Durham, New Hampshire. Holding signs and cheering, their words were the same:

"Lets NOT free Tibet."

Steve Ives a member of the group said, "There's just so much wrong with the world and we're just a small grass roots organization. I just feel like every year we have these peace vigils and Tibet never gets freed or anything. It just makes me feel pathetic. This time around I could care less if Tibet frees itself or not."

The vigil began at noon and lasted for about two hours which members of the group say resulted in a discussion about how overrated Tibet was anyway. Among other things discussed was where they were going to hang that night, the cool reggae band they saw last weekend and if anybody wanted to go for lunch.

Ives says "Tibet never helped me with my finals or my thesis project. Tibet is like that roommate that eats all your food and uses you for your friends and then goes to Cancun for spring break and doesn't even invite you until last minute, just because he couldn't really give a damn."

The students on the sidewalk kept a cheery attitude, greeting the passers-by's with cheers and waves. Although there was a low turnout, all group members agreed the goal of the activist's message was achieved.

"The goal is awareness" says Button, "that even if you believe in something, history and politics are way more important than your youth or idealism."

Amanda Sheehan, a late showing group member sums it up best, "It's pretty much an impossible task to free Tibet and if they ever do free themselves nothing we ever did helped."

An Open Letter to the Morbidly Obese Man that Sat Behind me on the Bus Yesterday Morning

Dear Morbidly Obese man that Sat Behind me on the Bus Yesterday Morning:

Hello, how do you do?

I am sorry that this letter could not be written over better circumstances but I would like to formally complain about an incident that you were involved in yesterday morning.

As you are a morbidly obese fellow, I feel as if you are often discriminated against because of your size. In fact, perhaps as a knee-jerk reaction to this letter, the thought might have crossed your mind that this would be about me getting on my high horse and chastening you for being so large.

Well then, shame on you, morbidly obese man. Maybe we need to start this letter over so that you can better understand my intentions!

Dear Morbidly Obese man,

Dude what is wrong with you?

For realsies WTF.

why did you have to bring McDonalds onto the bus with you yesterday morning?

Number one, it made the whole bus smell like a fudging hamburger, and number two....I don't even need number two. What the hell possesses you to eat at frickin' McDonalds at 8 o'clock in the morning? I didn't even know they SOLD hamburgers that early. Well, I know they do now thanks to you. You walking up the stairs wheezing and chowing down on the hamburger like nobody's business.

And THEN-You started to snore. You made that congested snorting sound- I felt like I was in your nose that's how loud it was. And then you would be quiet for like ten seconds and then gasp loudly as if it was Girl Scout Camp all over again and I was trying to drown you in the lake because you said I was flat-chested.

Anyway, I am not even going to suggest I am any authority on the medical field but I really do think you have sleep apnea. And can't you die from sleep apnea? I'm going to google it.

Okay, I'm back. The answer is yes. You are going to die of sleep apnea. Congratulations.

Anyway-

I hope that in future bus rides you can stop yourself from eating McDonalds and snoring loudly or die from sleep apnea. 

Sincerely

-C