Sir, I really must insist you do not a punch a hole in your University ID card.

Hello,

I work for ID services and I must tell you something urgently important.

Please walk up to the desk and lean in with interest, for if you do not you might miss what I am about to tell you. There, are you leaned in far enough? Would you like to lean in further? Is it possible to lean in further? Because if you can lean further over the desk that separates us than you can better hear the news I am about to tell you.

Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

I really must insist that you do not punch a hole in your University ID card. I know you desperately want to punch a hole in that card but I’m here to tell you that you cannot. What are you doing just now? Are you attempting to punch a hole in that card? What did I just finish telling you? Here, if you don’t believe me, have some literature on the subject. No need to turn to the back of it to see if there is writing on the other side. The other side is blank. Blank. Did you know sir that I used to have dreams? Hopes and dreams? Why do you insist in punching a hole in that card? Here take a free lanyard. Yes, it’s free. You can’t get the card to fit in the grabber? Just shove it in there.

Alas, I must also tell you that you must not use the ID as a car scrapper. It clearly says on the literature I gave you that you cannot do that. Why? It might ruin the integrity of the ID card. Yes, ID card’s do have integrity. Once upon a time, I used to have integrity. But then I lost it. In the abyss. Do you know how deep and dark abysses are? Yes, they’re pretty fudging deep sir.

Nevermind that, I am obligated to tell you that you cannot leave the card idle on the television set for long periods of time. Why is that? Because it might demagnetize the ID. You do not want to demagnetize the ID sir, or the card will become inactive.

Sir, I must remind you that the ID card you are holding is delicate, so please do not attempt to bend or flex it. If you bend or flex the card you might break the card like my heart.  My broken, broken heart.

Yes sir, I am aware that there are a lot of rules on how to handle that card. I know you might find them silly and have the urge to snicker, but I implore you to keep it in. Sir, I’m here to tell you that card is very special, sir. That card can be both used to swipe and wave in front of access buildings just like the Charlie cards on the MBTA.

SIR! What did you just do? Did you just punch a hole in that card? DID YOU? What did I just say? HUH? Are you deaf? Jesus Christ. I can’t deal with it anymore. That’s it! AGHHHHHHH!!!! I’m going to murder you! Come back here! Just wait until I get my hands on you!

No, no, no. Don’t run away.

I’ll calm down. Shhhhhh. Okay. Alright. I feel better now.

Yes, you can have it replaced.

Ninth floor.